Smiling my silence

A little more than a year ago I had to deal with the most trying time in my life. Firstly, I have to concede that in all probability I deserved what I got, retribution for naughty and guilty pleasures, I guess. Betraying the trust that a brother or a friend afford you is not worth all the gold in world. Living with this nagging betrayal, awaiting the right moment to bear the truth, your heart, fearing the possibility of losing a friend does not make for good bed mates. And then one day, out of the blue like a thunder strike on a clear sunny-bright day, the right moment seems to appear. The mate responds with misplaced male bravado of it is cool, it is just one those things. Not what I expected. Truth be told, no excuse, no nothing can ever redeem a betrayal. One can be forgiven, but believe me, forgiving yourself is easier said than done.  You made the bed, now sleep in it.

Because of what was said and not said, done and not done I almost lost something that was very dear to me. After several months of almost pleading, cajoling and a considerable amount of self restraint on my part, my precious, my pet project was returned to me.  One would think that I was relieved and pleased. Alas, to my ultimate surprise I wanted almost nothing to do with my website, it felt tainted. I even thought of abandoning this South Africa multi-media mixed race documentary endeavour completely. As time wilted by, slowly but surely the interest, the fascination, the philosophy, the love and the passion for the documentary and people started permeating my being again. Thus here we are, the inertia, the transition has come full circle.

Let’s just say, I am not willing to trade the pain, the aggravation nor the personal disappointment for anything or anyone in the world. The amount of self reflection, self knowledge and sense of who I am, and the verve to be best I could possibly be that I have grasped is absolutely beyond priceless, beyond ego, beyond identity. Any adverse situation affords you the opportunity to learn the most. An eye for an eye mentality leads to blind and scarred people. No war has ever led to peace. There is no victory in war. And sticks and stones, may break my bones, but  ‘I will permit no man to narrow and degrade my soul by making me hate, him’- Booker T Washington. Amen. Aum.